Week One:Cooperative Parenting Class Preface

I start my class this week. I have signed up and will be taking it on my own. Her father will have to take a seperate class in the future. Fortunately, my evening of class will not take away from my time with her. He will be off each Wednesday evening and it will count as one of his nights! So, that is a plus side! Our papers were expected to be finalized b now but I have not heard from my lawyer. I was hoping to have them completed by now. I guess I will be calling the lawyer in the morning! I am going to walk in to my class on Wednesday with my head held high. :)

Accepting Reality

I am the mother who wants to control everything.  It's true. I can't help it! I have tried to let go. Over the past few months I have let go more than I would like.  I have had no choice in the matter.  When you are not with the father of your child you have to trust them.  I can not begin to tell you how many things that I do not agree with! For example: he holds her to get her to fall asleep, he lets her jump on the bed and couch (regularly) and he allows her to put stickers on the tables at his house! Really? Who does that? Oh, i guess more people than I think?!So, I have to let him do what he feels is okay.  Will jumping on the bed be an issue when she is 10? Probably not.  She may fall off and break her collar bone but she could do that at the playground too! I am about preventative actions and that is why I do not allow her to jump at my house on the couch and/or bed.  But, on vacation I did allow it once.  So, I have to believe that in the end, as the great parents that we are, we will produce a lively, respectful, and happy little girl! So, I am accepting the reality of my life!

Show me the Moon

This blog is simple. What happens when you start dating someone new? It is the hardest thing to deal with! Thinking your child will have a person trying to be their "mom" or "dad"! NOOOOO! Not happening. I am a living example of saying I am not going to introduce my child for 6 months to a year and then doing the opposite. I feel that each situation is unique. In my case, I started seeing a neighbor and long time "friend" from Middle School. He lived in my apartment complex and had been around my daughter and was at her First Birthday Party. He had already been around her and was liked by my daughters father. So, he was introduced earlier than I would have expected but I tried my best to limit interaction...but when you have your child at every moment away from work you are limited to "at home" dates after her bed time. So, I had to make a choice. My daughter deserves her mom to be happy in all aspects. So, we developed "rules" to interaction. Now, 9 months in we are relaxed about the whole thing and I have asked her father if he would like to meet up with and talk with my boyfriend, again. He stated that he trusted my judgement. So, here is the issue! Do I trust his? Because his last girlfriend was not of preferred character. And, I know he had her around our daughter. It is so hard to trust. But, I have to. Has anyone had these issues? I am grateful that he trusts me and I am learning to trust him!

Resources

I have looked into some resources in my area. There are many government supported services that can help families that are separated unite and be healthy. All it takes is some effort and research but there are affordable services for low income families and then there are family psychology practices for those fortunate to have insurance and an income to afford such services. I know that some situations are not ideal. There are people who have a child with someone who is not reliable, trustworthy,honest, safe, or the like. In these cases it is hard to want to cooperate with the other parent. I urge you to do what is BEST FOR THE CHILD, not you. I state this next sentence with caution because some mothers/fathers DO NO need to be near their children. Some are addicts, abusive or predators. BUT, if it is a matter of supervision issues...I recommend doing supervised visitations. It may not be how you want to spend your day/evening but your child deserves a relationship with the other parent. I am fortunate to have a cooperative parent in my life. I am fortunate that he desires to be in his childs life. You can not force a parent to be great but you can encourage their involvement. You have to put your hurt, resentment and anger aside and look at what is best for the future of your child. Are there people out there that are struggling with this? Does anyone feel the need to share in order to sort through their emotions?

Birthday Party!

Hello Hello Hello! Well, I am sitting here reading my Parenting (Early Years) Magazine and I came across a wonderful site for birthday party ideas! Well, that got me to thinking.....what do I do about my daughters birthday party? Do I have to invite her father to the party I throw? Will I go to the one that he has? Or, will we just have it together?  Last year we had about 35 guests at the Park and I did a "Garden Fairy" theme.  I did all of the planning, paying for items, and I created our own invitations, addressed and mailed them all out.  I shopped 6 months in advance to save money.  I hired a photographer (family friend who charged me $40 and took hundreds of pictures) and I was not even in any pictures with her eating her first cake! Guess who got to have the glory moment! Yes, her dad! UGH! BUT, I look back on it and I am okay with it. I know the effort I put forth in order to make it perfect and for her to have fun with all the people who love her! I am glad that she got to have us all together for her First Birthday.  So, I wonder what I will do for her second.  Will we all be together for her? Or will we do separate ones? What do you think?

Oh, and the website.....I am sure you are wondering what wonderful website led me to this blog!
www.thetomkatstudio.com

Battle of the parents

It is difficult enough to "share" your child when they are healthy. But, when they are sick...it proves to be even harder. It seems that we tend to believe that we are the better parent. We can nurse our baby back to health quicker,and we can love her more. As my daughters symptoms worsened I had to trust that her father was capable of caring for her. I worried. A LOT. I had to go to work. When she did not improve, would not rest at his house, and she refused treatments and had to be held down...I knew I had to take time off. Paying bills are important but my daughter is my priority. I would have to cut back on expenses in the future. For now...I needed to nurse her back to health. I stayed home. Took her back to the doctor and made sure she rested. She slept most of the day. She lay on me, acting lethargic and crying. I was grateful to be home with her. I was unsure as to why her dad could not get her to rest. From what I was seeing....she was exhausted, and she would not leave me for a second. I hate to say this....but she needed her mommy! Sometimes one parent is more nurturing than the other. I feel that it is best for the child to be with the nurturing parent. What is your take on this?

Facing Reality

Well, my Cooperative Parenting Class has a date and for 6 weeks I will be face to face with the reality of my failed relationship. I intend to post what I have learned from each class. Each Wednesday for 6 weeks from Feb 2nd-March 9th expect an educational post! I am slightly nervous about this class. Not because of my ability as a parent but because of the emotional roller coaster that may present itself. I am not sure of my expectations for this class. I hope that it teaches me to put the pain behind me permanently so that I can move forward in a healthy manner and have a healthy relationship with my daughters father. I hope to find friendship in this class with parents going through the same situation. I am also nervous about being in class with dramatic individuals, individuals who are not respectful of their parenting partner and the such. Wish me luck!

When I knew...

I believe that I knew it was over when I could not get him to spend time with us as a family and we could not have simple conversation.  I always felt last on the list of his priorities.  I feel that he wanted to spend time with our daughter but not with me.  When did you know that it was over? Are you willing to share? I feel that in letting these thoughts out we are dealing with our emotions in a way that is not disrespecting the other individual.  We do not have to use names....just let it out! Sometimes I wanted to scream, cry and runaway all at the same time.  I felt like everything in my life was falling apart.  I felt like I was the only one that was trying.  I did not feel that my emotions mattered.  I did not feel that I could handle being with him and I could not handle knowing that somone else would be with him...and most importantly....be with my daughter! I had to stay....right? I had to.  I was not going to have my daughter have another female "mother" figure in her life! I mean....what if he started to date some girl who had poor character and was not good for our daughter? Oh, yea....I almost forgot (again)....that word that haunts me.... TRUST!!!!!!! I have to trust his choices and he has to trust mine!

When did you know that it was over?

Hopeful

Getting past the hurt....

I resented my daughters father  for many months.  I felt alone and betrayed.  I had to learn how to cope with my emotions on my own and still try to move on.  I felt like my life was a roller coaster ride.  One minute I could not stand to see him and the next I was wishing that I was with him.  I could not deal with the ups and the downs! I was trying so hard to understand my own emotions and also trying to see things from his side! I wanted what I wanted.  I wanted her with me every night.  I did not want to share my time with her.  As a working mom I felt like I did not get to see her enough as it was...and now I had to share time with him? I mean...come on! I had gotten up every single night to breast feed! I was the one that cared for her when she was sick! I was the one who scheduled all of her doctors appointments! I was the one who took care of all of the documents for her.  I was the one who had to miss work and do all things related to our daughter.  ME.  NOT HIM.  SO...why in the world would I want to share her with him? Oh....yea....I almost forgot! He is HER father.  SHE NEEDS HIM JUST AS MUCH AS SHE NEEDS ME! Yes, I said it.  Because, she does.  I was raised in a home with out my father and I still have the resentment and hurt inside of me.  I never had a father for the father-daughter dance at church.  I never had a father make the boy who was taking me on a date come inside and shake his hand and tell him that his daughter should be back by 9.  I never had the love and security of a father and to this day I feel search for that missing piece.  Why would I do that to my daughter?  He father loves her, is fully capable of caring for her and wants her in his life....she deserves to have us BOTH.  So, as a mother I had to put on my big girl panties and move aside and play nice.  WE both see our daughter daily and we both love her unconditionally!

Cooperative Parenting Class

I am currently on the waiting list to take a Cooperative Parenting Class.  I feel that this class will be a very helpful tool for myself and for my daughters father.  We hope to take the class together but sometimes scheduling does not work out.  I encourage all of you to look into a class similar to this that should be offered in your area.  Many places are attempting to make this court ordered! I believe that this is an awesome idea.  We are here to be the best for our kids! I am excited  to discover the new ways that I can be a better mother...although....my daughter thinks I am pretty great already:)

Introduction

Hello! I am a single mother of a gorgeous 19 month girl. I am currently going through filing separation papers with her father.  I feel that as I have gone through this process I have had no where to turn.  I wanted to create a place for parents to communicate and discover the healthy ways to deal with such a tragedy.  As the Primary Care Giver I was prepared for this in every way....except for emotionally.  I have learned to trust Lily's father and I have learned to take my time alone and turn it into a time that I explore who I am and enjoy my new love interest.  This has been a roller coaster ride in my life and I am sure if you are going through a separation you know how it feels! I was never married.  We were together for four years and we just could not communicate with one another when it came to our personal issues.  We have learned to communicate about our daughter....and to trust one another as a parent.  I still do not agree with some of the choices  he makes....because....mine are better...right? WRONG.  This has been a humbling experience.  As a nanny I have experienced many of the first time things that he is just now learning....I have to allow him to learn on his own....and trust me! It has been a challenge for me to keep my mouth shut!!!! So, please! JOIN ME....let me hear your struggles and let us lean on one another and be a shoulder for one another through this process! PoSt AwAy:)